The Transparency Trap: Navigating Privacy and Ethical Disclosure

Regardless of age or background, everyone comes to therapy for the same reason: figuring out how to communicate better with ourselves, with others, and with the world.

It's a huge topic, and some of my most important sessions revolve around meta communication: talking about talking, setting clear boundaries, and preparing ideas to be poised and understood. This foundation is crucial because it’s where our relationships truly take shape.

Think of your relationship as a thriving garden or ecosystem. For that garden to flourish, it needs a specific balance: enough sunlight (transparency) for growth, but also rich, protected soil (privacy) for strong roots.

When we navigate complex or high trust relationships, especially those like Ethically Non Monogamous (ENM) structures, we immediately encounter this critical balancing act. We must weigh ethical transparency against personal privacy, and it’s important to cultivate this well. Flooding the garden with too much sunlight, or oversharing, can have natural, painful consequences, including creating relationship injuries, feeling exposed, or causing undesired structural changes.

Even in our most casual relationships, this dynamic exists. We don't want or need a constant, minute by minute report of what a close friend is doing when they are separate from us. We want genuine connection. That's the boundary line: the difference between intimate connection and overwhelming, unnecessary data. The same principle, just amplified, applies when navigating committed or structured relationships.

Defining the Delicate Balance

The key to preventing these pitfalls lies in proactively defining the terms of disclosure, ensuring we offer the right kind of light and protection. Transparency is the Necessary Sunlight

Transparency is about sharing only the information that directly impacts your partner's relational safety, their ability to give informed consent, or the agreed upon structure of your shared garden.

You aren't sharing everything just because you can; you're sharing because your agreements demand that sunlight for the whole ecosystem to thrive. Examples of necessary transparency include shifts in your feelings for other

s, scheduling conflicts, or all relevant safer sex practices. Consent is everything, and it must be continually informed.

Privacy is the Rich Soil

Conversely, privacy involves respecting boundaries around personal information that do not affect the core relationship agreements.

This is the rich, protected soil where your individual roots can deepen. This includes your own private thoughts, feelings about your personal day, or respecting the confidentiality of another partner's separate life. Maintaining this privacy is a healthy act of self care and respect for your autonomy.

Debating when to disclose can be tricky, especially when you feel that knot of conflict. When the boundary feels unclear, I offer two guiding questions to help you determine if transparency is the appropriate ethical choice (if the situation requires sunlight).

1. Ownership

• Is this solely about me (my personal thoughts, my feelings, my own internal growth) or is it about us (our agreements, our shared time, our mutual safety and the care of the whole garden)?
  

If the issue is primarily about the us (the relationship structure and shared life), transparency is needed. If it's primarily about the me (your internal world that does not infringe upon agreements), privacy can more often be maintained.

2. Impact

• Will withholding this information compromise my partner's ability to make an informed decision (e.g., about their emotional or physical safety) or directly damage their trust in our fundamental agreements?
  

If the answer is yes, if silence risks hurting their security or trust, then disclosure is necessary. If the information is purely informational and doesn't affect their agency or the health of the relationship's roots, you might choose to keep it private.

Therapist Guidance: Cultivating Patience

Relationships are a continuous cycle of tending, planting, and growth. The key is to avoid rushing disclosure when stress or urgency spikes. You wouldn't yank a seedling out of the ground to check on its progress.

Before you make a difficult disclosure decision, take your time to explore your feelings. Talk to a trusted friend or therapist, journal about it, or mull it over on a quiet walk. This intentional pause ensures that when you do speak, you are communicating from a regulated, thoughtful space, not a reactive one.

I invite you to be intentional as you build the blocks of your life. Keep showing up for yourself in these tiny ways, and remember: Your peace is your power. Tend to your roots, and trust your growth. I'm wishing you well.