Men, Trauma, and Masculinity: The Conversation We’re Not Having

Holding Two Truths About Men: Harm and Healing This article discusses sexual violence and trauma. Please read with care. There is something missing in the way we talk about men right now. We have language for the harm. We know men commit more physical violence and sexual harm. That pattern is consistent it impacts real people and should not be minimized.

At the same time, another truth sits underneath that does not get the same level of attention.

Many men have experienced harm. If you look more closely, the numbers begin to tell a quieter story. Research suggests that about one in six men in the United States have experienced some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime, with some estimates higher (1 in 4) depending on what is included, according to data from the CDC and the National Sexual Violence Resource Center. That is not a small number, just a quiet one. In the United States alone, that equates to roughly 20.7 million men as of 2026.

Organizations like RAINN continue to highlight how underreported these experiences are. Many men never come forward and some never even name what happened to them as harm. The CDC also notes that sexual violence is often underreported due to shame, fear, or not being believed.

Part of this comes from what recent research has started to call “male rape myths.” The idea that men cannot be overpowered and that they should have been able to stop it. This suggests that being in a vulnerable position makes them less of a man, shaping how many interpret their own experiences from a young age. For some, these messages start even earlier. Forms of physical punishment that are normalized in childhood, such as spanking, can blur the line between care and harm. When pain is delivered by someone who is also a source of safety, it can create confusion in how the body and mind learn to interpret control, authority, and connection.

In some cases, this includes being placed in physically and emotionally vulnerable positions, sometimes involving exposure, shame, or a loss of autonomy while in distress. Experiences like this can leave lasting imprints, shaping how vulnerability, power, and emotional safety are understood later in life.

So something happens, but it does not fully register or get named, and the event gets buried. Many men have come to realize after the Me Too movement they have either been a victim or been part of the problem without realizing it. I hear these stories often in therapy with remorse. The end result? They want to heal and get better too.

In certain environments, this becomes even more complex. Reports connected to the U.S. Department of Defense have acknowledged sexual assault within military systems, including assaults against men, alongside ongoing concerns about underreporting. There are also realities that remain largely unspoken, including coercion and assault between men that challenge the image of strength those systems depend on.

Even in global research conversations in early 2026, there has been a growing call to recognize male survivors of conflict related sexual violence, which have historically been overlooked.

We are left holding something complex: Men are more likely to cause harm. Many men have also experienced harm. Both are true.

There is a cycle here: Unprocessed experiences. Silence. Distorted beliefs leading to disconnection. Further isolation and normalization of what is already in place.

This is not because men do not feel, but because they were never given a safe way to understand what they feel.

A lot of men are not just shaped by power. They are shaped by fear. Fear of being overpowered, humiliated, or put in a position where they have no control.

It is not so different from the fear many women (and non binary people) carry. It just gets buried and redirected in ways that are harder to recognize. If that fear is never named or processed, it organizes behavior. Control starts to feel like safety. Emotional distance feels stabilizing. Dominance can feel protective. Not because these things are healthy, but because they reduce the risk of vulnerability.

There is also a social layer that reinforces this. Many men are not just being themselves, they are performing masculinity in front of other men. A man can be soft and connected in private, then shift into a more guarded version of himself in a group. Over time, that creates a split. One part of him knows how to feel while another part knows it is not safe to show it.

For men who feel lost, this is often where that feeling comes from. Not from a lack of depth, but from a lack of permission.

This can be difficult to hold alongside real experiences of harm. Understanding does not mean tolerating behavior that hurts you. Your safety, your boundaries, your lived experience all matter.

What understanding offers is a wider lens. A way to see that what is happening on the surface is often connected to something deeper. Not to excuse, but to see clearly.

It is worth considering that many men have spent their lives trying not to end up in a vulnerable position, because somewhere along the way, vulnerability became associated with harm.

If you are a man reading this and something in you feels seen, even slightly, that matters. Not everything you have done is okay. Not everything that shaped you was okay either. Both can be and are true at the same time.

There is nothing weak about learning how to feel safely or choosing connection over performance. Research emerging in 2025 suggests that highly intelligent individuals often engage in a more cognitive form of empathy, allowing them to understand emotional experience even when it was not safe to fully feel it. That is where real strength begins. Understanding something is often the first place many men were allowed to feel anything at all.

For Women

If you are a woman reading this, your experience still matters. Your boundaries matter. Your safety matters. Seeing this does not take away from your truth. It allows it to be more complete.

Understanding men does not mean overlooking harm. It means seeing clearly enough to decide what you hold, what you challenge, and what you walk away from. Making these conversations inclusive

For Everyone

This is not about choosing sides, it is about choosing to see people more fully. When we reduce each other to roles, we stay in cycles. When we slow down enough to consider what someone has lived through, the possibility of something different opens. Society as a whole is asking for change, and nothing changes if we refuse to see the full picture. What becomes possible if we allow both truths to exist at the same time?

Sources

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2025). About Sexual Violence. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/sexual-violence/about/index.html

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024). Intimate Partner Violence, Sexual Violence, and Stalking Among Men. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/intimate-partner-violence/about/intimate-partner-violence-sexual-violence-and-stalking-among-men.html Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2023- 2024). National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS): Data Brief. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/nisvs

RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network). (2024). Victims of Sexual Violence: Statistics. Retrieved from https://www.rainn.org/statistics