Unraveling The Transactional Self: Why You Are Not Unlovable

We all create a set of beliefs and schemas, a subconscious narrative whispered into us by family dynamics, school systems, and the relentless hum of a transactional society.

You are told that your worth is tied to your output, your lovability to your compliance, and your belonging to your utility. When our natural desire to explore, create, and simply be is diminished to fit the mold of a "worker bee," these negative thoughts take root, becoming the foundation of our inner world.

Below you will see some common negative cognitions (NCs) I often target with clients in our EMDR therapy. These false beliefs quietly make choices for us if not brought to light and transmuted. These unique "self failures" are the universal echoes of our culture. A culture that demands you earn your right to exist. 

Let's unravel them, question their source, and greet the truth with the healing warmth of self compassion.

The Truest Reflection A Collective Unburdening

The Shadow Whisper (The EMDR NC)	The Contextual Root (The Societal Script)	The Healing Truth (The Counter Cognition)
I am unlovable.	"Love is earned through performance and pleasing others."	I am inherently worthy of love. My capacity for love and connection is my birthright.
I am unwanted.	"If you do not serve a clear purpose, you are expendable."	I belong here, exactly as I am. My presence is a necessary part of the whole.
I am bad defective.	"There is a 'right' way to be, and you have failed it."	I am whole, complex, and resilient. My imperfections are simply evidence of my humanity.
I am worthless.	"Your value is your output; what have you done lately?"	I am invaluable. My worth is constant and is not tied to productivity or external metrics.
I am unwell.	"The relentless pace requires you to override your needs."	I am healing and becoming stronger every day. I will listen to my body and mind with respect.
I cannot trust others.	"People are resources; they will disappoint when they prioritize their own transactions."	I can trust my own discernment and capacity for connection. I choose who to open my heart to.
I am disposable /abandoned.	"If the relationship no longer serves a function, it will be terminated."	I am safe, and I will never abandon myself. I am my own primary, steadfast anchor.

Unplugging from the System

The negative cognitions we feel so deeply aren't always a personal failing. Sometimes they are the result of living in a world that often prioritizes function over feeling and transaction over connection.

This is the great work: to recognize that the whispers of unworthiness are the echo of the system, not the voice of your soul.

Question the Narrative:  Next time a whisper arises, ask it: Where did you learn this? Who benefits from me believing this about myself?

Give it Love:  Your nervous system, which has been protecting you by internalizing these survival narratives, needs compassion, not condemnation.

You are not a worker bee, resource, or a product. You are a vast, creative, irreplaceable being. Unravel the old story, and greet the truest reflection of yourself with fierce love.