The Polyamory Lexicon: A Beginner’s Guide to Relationship Shapes, Dynamics, and Essential Vocabulary

A very warm welcome to the world of ethical non-monogamy! While the practice of ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is still blooming, data shows it is far more common than you might think: approximately 4% to 5% of adults are currently nurturing these multi-partner connections. Even more encouragingly, about one in five people have explored ENM at some point in their lives, suggesting that many others have opened their minds to the potential of what new relationship arrangements they might thrive in. It is a beautiful time to be exploring relationship customization! If you are new here, the sheer number of terms used to describe different relationship arrangements can feel overwhelming. Keep in mind that these terms are simply tools and we do not need to name something to know it is there. However, labels can help us communicate the specific agreements and emotional landscapes of our relationships without having to explain everything from scratch.

Relationships are infinitely customizable. Use this lexicon to help you define yours! Be curious, how do any of these make you feel?

1. The Basics: People and Networks

This set of terms describes the fundamental architecture and size of your relationship network.

• Poly Types (Polyamory Types): This is the umbrella term for the many ways people engage in ethical non-monogamy, dating, loving, and committing to multiple people simultaneously, with the informed consent of all involved.
  

• Dyad: A relationship between two people. Even in a complex polycule, a Dyad is the core connection between any two partners.
  

• Triad (or Throuple): This is a relationship where three people are all actively dating and involved with each other.
  

• Quad: This refers to a relationship involving four people. This could be two established couples dating each other, or four individuals dating in various combinations.
  

• Polycule: This is the most important term for the network. It refers to the entire connected web of people who are romantically or intimately linked. If your partner has a partner, and that person has a partner, they are all part of your polycule.
  

• Meta (Metamour): A metamour is a partner’s partner. This means you and your metamour are connected through your shared partner.

2. Relationship Philosophies: The "How" and "Why"

These terms describe the overall guiding principles and structure you choose for your life.

Relationship Anarchy (RA)

Relationship Anarchy is a philosophy that completely rejects hierarchy and traditional relationship expectations. It argues that romantic relationships should not be inherently valued over friendships, family, or other deep bonds. Instead of following cultural blueprints, like marriage or cohabitation, RA encourages custom made commitments built on individual desire and communication. I like to think of RA as a garden where each plant is a relationship with varying needs of sunlight (attention) and water (love). Each plant will get what it needs to thrive.

Solo Polyamory

A Solo Poly person dates multiple people but chooses to avoid relationship entanglement. This means they generally do not live with, marry, or financially merge their lives with any one partner. They prioritize their personal autonomy and view all partners as independent relationships. In the garden analogy, they understand they are a Sunflower and need a lot of sun and space to thrive.

Polyfidelity (Poly-Fi)

This is the term for a closed polyamorous group. All members are committed to each other, but they have agreed not to seek new partners outside of the established group. It functions like group monogamy for the defined group of people. Ever hear of the "Three Sisters"? The combo of corn, beans, and squash thrive together by providing mutual benefits.

3. Structural Dynamics: The "Shape" and Communication Style

How do the people in your polycule interact with each other? These dynamics define the boundaries.

The Vee Structure

This is the most common polycule shape after the Dyad. One person, the Hinge or Pivot, has two partners, and those two partners, who are metamours, are not dating each other.

• Example: Ava is dating Ben and Chris, and Ben and Chris are not dating. Ava is the Hinge connecting them.

Hierarchical vs. Non-Hierarchical Poly

• Hierarchical: The people in the relationship structure choose to rank their relationships. A Primary partner, often the spouse or nesting partner, holds priority in time, resource allocation, and major life decisions. Other partners are Secondary or Tertiary.
  

• Non-Hierarchical: All serious relationships are treated equitably. No single partner automatically gets a veto or superior claim to time, and roles are defined by agreement, not by ranking. This structure often uses the term Anchor Partner instead of Primary.

Kitchen Table Polyamory (KTP)

This style emphasizes community. All metamours and partners are comfortable, friendly, and willing to interact frequently, even sitting down together at the "kitchen table" for family dinners or planning sessions.

Parallel Polyamory

This is the opposite of KTP. Relationships run "parallel" to each other. Partners and metamours are aware of each other's existence but may have very minimal or no direct interaction. It maximizes privacy but minimizes the polycule community.

4. Emotional Dynamics: Feelings and Energy

Polyamory has its own emotional vocabulary to describe the unique experiences of loving multiply.

• Compersion: 

  Compersion is often described as the opposite of jealousy. It is the feeling of joy one experiences when a partner is happy, especially in the context of their other relationships. You may have even felt this before, like when a loved one receives good news.
  

• New Relationship Energy (NRE): This is the intense, intoxicating excitement, infatuation, and giddiness that happens at the beginning of any new relationship. This can blind and distract us from our goals. Learning to manage NRE so it does not destabilize existing relationships is key.
  

• Established Relationship Energy (ERE): This is the comfort, security, intimacy, and deep, enduring love found in a long term, stable relationship.

5. Dynamics to Approach with Caution

These dynamics are common but often lead to inequality or harm if not handled with extreme care and transparency.

• Couple’s Privilege: This is the inherent, often unconscious, advantage a pre existing couple holds over any new, single partner. This manifests when the couple makes rules or major life decisions without the input of the third partner, leading to a feeling of being less than.
  

• Unicorn Hunting: This occurs when a pre existing couple seeks a single third partner to join them. This is usually done with the expectation that the third person will be subservient to the couple’s rules and not date outside the triad. This practice is often unethical because it treats the third person as an accessory rather than an equal partner.
  

• Veto Power: This is an agreement where one partner has the contractual right to force their partner to end another relationship. This happens regardless of the health or duration of that relationship. Most modern poly communities view this as highly hierarchical and restrictive, violating the core value of autonomy.

Conclusion

You get to write your own rules.  Reflect on what will give you the most satisfaction in the NOW. These terms are merely starting points for the most vital element of polyamory, radical honesty and clear, continuous communication.